I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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