Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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