please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Randomize
