I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
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