Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
