Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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