If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Life without a bra equals bliss.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
