woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I lost the right to judge tonight
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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