There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
