U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Randomize
