Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
