The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
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the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
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was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
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