I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
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He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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