Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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