Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
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