i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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