I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I'm too high and old for this...
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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