Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
