Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
