before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
