probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
