I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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