My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
