Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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