i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
