1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I will pee on everything he values.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
