My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
