Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
