and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
