So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
