If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
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