i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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