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• (206): View more from Washington

  Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.

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• (703): View more from Virginia

  He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.

  (1-703): View more from Virginia

  Wasn't he an English major?

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• (904): View more from Florida

  Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.

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• (510): View more from California

  Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.

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  Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags

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• (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy

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• (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.

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• (423): View more from Tennessee

  You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."

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• (479): View more from Arkansas

  I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.

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• (613): View more from Ontario

  New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.

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  21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers

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• (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.

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• (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.

  (1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

  10 points to you

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• (817): View more from Texas

  one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."

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• (719): View more from Colorado

  "What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud

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• (774): View more from Massachusetts

  Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza

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• (720): View more from Colorado

  You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.

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