The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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