Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
