I think scott just propositioned me for sex
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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