I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Couch. On fire.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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