So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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