she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
