You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
