who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Randomize
