I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
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He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
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If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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