she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
