I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Randomize
