You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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