We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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