I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
