It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
