I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
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On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
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apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
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