I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
