Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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