He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
