My liver just broke up with me...
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
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