Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
