My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
