He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
