I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
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