I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
