sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
