brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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