Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
You need Xanax blowdarts
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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