I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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