the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
