These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
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Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
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Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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